Last year November, I did a little series on natural hair, commemorating Movember, which raises awareness on men’s cancers (prostate and testicular), as well as male suicide. You can catch up on the posts starting here, and I hope it helps you with a better understanding of what Movember is all about.
This year, we’re talking weddings! Marriage! Nuptials! Tying the knot! The irony of this series is that people in Zimbabwe usually don’t get married in November (the tradition dates back to the farming days where October was the rainy season, so November was the cultivating month, and it had to be all hands on deck. No distractions, such as marriage, were tolerated). I figured, why not give the brides-to-be some last minute tips before the flood of weddings start in December?
My inspiration for this series started off as an innocent tweet about marriage that showed up on my TL a while ago:
Its like people just want to get married without discussing the things that actually matter. Then expect miracles when they are married 💀
— A. (@The_Mixologist_) October 14, 2018
From then on I’ve been doing research about everything marriage: the dress, venues, cakes, etc etc etc. It helps, though, to kick off this series with the serious stuff before we get to the fun (and pricey) stuff.
What should a couple discuss before marriage?
This is a no-brainer. When you’re coming together in marriage, all your money & debts, if any, is coming into that marriage as well. It’s easy to be starry-eyed and think “What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine”, but this is the time to be grounded and think deeply about finances. Find out:
- Your spouse-to-be’s spending habits; how they behave when they have lots of money, and how they behave when they’re broke.
- Your spouse-to-be’s attitude toward debt, saving, investments.
- Will you have a joint account or separate accounts?
- Will you divide responsibility for bills? Who’ll be paying for what?
- Whether you’ll have a prenup/postnup.
- Who is going to be the beneficiary of your possessions when one of you dies? It is very foolish to assume you’ll benefit, when your spouse has other plans in mind.
Know beforehand where you stand, as an individual, religion-wise, and whether you’re okay with being with someone of a different religion or a different denomination within the same religion.
If you are of different religions:
- Is one going to convert to the other’s religion? What will be the criteria used?
- Which religion will the children (if any) be raised as?
- Will you be okay with worshipping at different times, and different locations, if you will stick to your religions?
If you are of the same religion:
- Will one move over to the other’s house of worship? Will you find a completely new one? What will be the criteria used?
- Will you be okay if no one wants to leave their house of worship and wants to continue in separate churches?
- Where will the kids (if any) go in case of different houses of worship?
Sex is important to talk about if you want to get married, because for some, marriage is their ticket to finally having sex. But if you go into marriage with your own expectations and assumptions, you’ll be very disappointed.
First thing I need to say: to those ladies who are saving themselves for marriage, you must discuss right off the bat whether you think the lobola stage (if you’re doing that), or the wedding stage is “marriage”. Reach a conclusion with your spouse-to-be, so you know when you’ve granted yourself the license. It’ll save you guilt and condemnation.
- How many times are you going to have sex a week? This obviously is not static, but frankly, sometimes sex may need to be scheduled.
- How much you want to experiment. Are you going to have toys, role-play, do you have fetishes, fantasies you want to play out during sex?
- Is anything off limits? What are red flags for you?
- Sexuality should also be discussed here. Assuming this is a heterosexual relationship, ask each other if you’re strictly heterosexual, or you are fluid, etc. It is important.
- Will you let others in your bed? Are you open to threesomes/foursomes/etc.
- Sexual health is important here. Find out if there’s a history of STIs and get tested for all those as well as HIV.
- What contraceptive method (if any) will you use?
Let me stop here for now and let you add on more things that should be discussed under these topics in the comments, while part 2 is loading! What else do you think couples should discuss within these topics? I’d love to hear from you.
Until next time… your Quarter Wife.